“Beyond the adjustment of being married, I had difficulty trying to intertwine who I was with who I was becoming. Subconsciously I was attempting to navigate being married without dying to myself.”
I wish I could say that “now you may kiss the bride” is the moment I went from Miss to Mrs. I mean, yes legally I did. However, I have learned quickly that marriage isn’t some fairy dust that turns you into something that you are not already or willing to be.
I guess I always knew that I was wifey material. But I thought being a wife was a role that I would take on once I was little older and a little broken by life. I was much obliged by the idea of being someone’s fine auntie that wore fur coats in the summer and had a long distance boyfriend. I was much more interested in companionship than commitment.
So when I got married it took everyone by surprise. Including me. Something that I knew one day would happen, was happening sooner than I thought. I was more taken back by the peace I felt as I was prepping to embark on the biggest faith decision I have ever made.
A little about my mmaannnz and I. We never dated. We just married. Granted we were friends for five years. I could honestly say that I spent more of that time friend zoning him. Oops! Although we made the decision to marry one another, it almost felt like it was arranged. Our marriage was a strategic decision inspired by the peace of God. We knew enough going in (i.e. financial stability, religious beliefs, family history, life goals and aspirations), but not a lot compared to other relationships. We were not influenced by craze butterflies in the pit of our stomach or false social media depictions of #RelationshipGoals. Just a… “We’re going to get married” and an “okay”, followed by a ten minute drive to the nearest Jared. About a month later we hi-jacked my parent’s church service with an impromptu wedding. And boom! We’re married.
It humors me to reflect on the thought that I wasn’t broken. And how I potentially needed more time to become broken. Marriage has revealed how broken I was really was, or am. For the first time I’d been exposed. And this time, there was no running.
Marriage for me has been more humiliating than I thought and has left me vulnerable. Our first five months I toyed with the thought of if I wanted to stay or not. Beyond the adjustment of simply being married, I had difficulty trying to intertwine who I was with who I was becoming. Subconsciously I was attempting to navigate being married without dying to myself. I came to a harsh reality that I could not and that I had to choose.
I wish I could say that “now you may kiss the bride” is the moment I went from Miss to Mrs. I mean, yeah! Legally I did. But the lifting of my Vera Wang cathedral veil was just the first kiss to kissing my miss (and some other stuff) goodbye!
Dying to yourself is a *BEEP*