Kissing My Miss Goodbye

Beyond the adjustment of being married, I had difficulty trying to intertwine who I was with who I was becoming. Subconsciously I was attempting to navigate being married without dying to myself.” 

I wish I could say that “now you may kiss the bride” is the moment I went from Miss to Mrs. I mean, yes legally I did. However, I have learned quickly that marriage isn’t some fairy dust that turns you into something that you are not already or willing to be.

I guess I always knew that I was wifey material. But I thought being a wife was a role that I would take on once I was little older and a little broken by life. I was much obliged by the idea of being someone’s fine auntie that wore fur coats in the summer and had a long distance boyfriend. I was much more interested in companionship than commitment.

So when I got married it took everyone by surprise. Including me. Something that I knew one day would happen, was happening sooner than I thought. I was more taken back by the peace I felt as I was prepping to embark on the biggest faith decision I have ever made.

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A little about my mmaannnz and I. We never dated. We just married. Granted we were friends for five years. I could honestly say that I spent more of that time friend zoning him. Oops! Although we made the decision to marry one another, it almost felt like it was arranged. Our marriage was a strategic decision inspired by the peace of God. We knew enough going in (i.e. financial stability, religious beliefs, family history, life goals and aspirations), but not a lot compared to other relationships. We were not influenced by craze butterflies in the pit of our stomach or false social media depictions of #RelationshipGoals. Just a… “We’re going to get married” and an “okay”, followed by a ten minute drive to the nearest Jared. About a month later we hi-jacked my parent’s church service with an impromptu wedding. And boom! We’re married.

It humors me to reflect on the thought that I wasn’t broken. And how I potentially needed more time to become broken. Marriage has revealed how broken I was really was, or am. For the first time I’d been exposed. And this time, there was no running.

Marriage for me has been more humiliating than I thought and has left me vulnerable. Our first five months I toyed with the thought of if I wanted to stay or not. Beyond the adjustment of simply being married, I had difficulty trying to intertwine who I was with who I was becoming. Subconsciously I was attempting to navigate being married without dying to myself. I came to a harsh reality that I could not and that I had to choose.

I wish I could say that “now you may kiss the bride” is the moment I went from Miss to Mrs. I mean, yeah! Legally I did. But the lifting of my Vera Wang cathedral veil was just the first kiss to kissing my miss (and some other stuff) goodbye!

P.S.
Dying to yourself is a *BEEP*

12 thoughts on “Kissing My Miss Goodbye

    1. Thank you so much for commenting 💋! I’m so excited you decided to share this journey with me in Kissing My Miss (and some other stuff) Goodbye!

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  1. I love you! I love this! I am beyond proud of you and who you are becoming. This was so real cousin and I was like “😩😭 my baby all grown up!” Lol honestly though T, you did your thing with this girl. 💕

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  2. Girl I FEEL LIKE I AM YOU! And YOU ARE ME! I feel like my subconscious wrote alllll of these blog posts and similar situation, my husband And I didn’t have an engagement period we just went to the courthouse and eloped! Anyhow THANK YOU FOR THIS!!! You have truly blessed me and my marriage with these posts. Just read them aloud to my husband and that conviction is hitting me like I wouldn’t have ever thought. God bless you and your marriage!

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    1. Girl we probably are the same person! I’ve been around married women for YEARS and the things I am experiencing, I have never heard of those women feeling or enduring similar things. It was so important for me to share for my own mental and in great hopes of meeting other women just like me! And I am! Thank you for commenting and sharing! I’m adding you on the book! 💋 #DyingToYourselfIsA…. but daily I find that it’s worth it!

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