FRIENDS WITH EFFORT

Intentional efforts in any relationship was something I was greatly unfamiliar with. Every friendship I fostered, both male and female had always been effortless.

The first four months of my marriage I forfeited due to the comparisons. I singlehandedly robbed us of our honeymoon phase because I believed that friendship could only come in one form, easy. I measured the authenticity of who we were by the standards of my previous relationships.

Naturally, Rico and I are very different. While I am a woman that has never had a shortage of words. Rico is a man who chooses his wisely. I’m often conflicted between Jesus and Trap, he’s the human Shazam for your favorite baptist spirituals.

I punished him for being himself. I punished us because this was a friend I had to actually learn. The survival of this friendship required being intentional. I didn’t have the luxury of having the “what’s understood doesn’t need to be explained” mentality. Assumptions would have driven and killed our relationship.

My dad one day shared with me “what you feast your eyes on, you will soon gravitate to”. My eyes were steadfast on everything I disliked about him, me and us. And it was true, those things became like a magnetic force. The things I wasn’t even looking for, began to look for me. If we had any chance of making it our first year my eyes needed a new focus and it needed to be him.

I had to neglect this code of effortlessness I swore by and simply become a student. I needed to feast my eyes on the things that I loved and appreciated about him because those things were true. Regardless of how I felt, how he made me feel or what I lacked in feelings; I couldn’t discredit who he was or what we had because it was different. Not bad. Just different.

So I started. Every day. I texted him one thing I appreciated about him and one thing I liked. Some days it was deep and other days I struggled to find something cause he had made me mad. But those things became my target. While I was looking for perhaps a change in Rico, I immediately begin to see a change in me. I found myself just really liking dude and developing the tools I needed to foster this relationship, patience.

It’s a shame to think of what I could have jeopardized if I continued to allow familiarity to dictate my judgment. It goes to show, how it’s been doesn’t have to be what it is.

Here’s to kissing “how I think it’s s’pose to be” goodbye!

7 thoughts on “FRIENDS WITH EFFORT

  1. This is really good because in a marriage you really do point the finger and look at all the wrong in the relationship and from that point on there is a whole bunch of negative thoughts. Once you begin to change how you feel, looking at him differently and all his positive then you say to yourself “ I kind of like him.”❤️🙌🏾

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    1. I see you get it haha! Yeah it’s easy to point out all the things you dislike, especially when you are in your feelings. It’s really about training yourself to think thoughts that are going to produce good fruit. And you can apply this to anything 💋

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    1. This is a great observation about yourself. I always feel I’m approaching that fine line between settling and being stubborn. I have observed that a lot of things (in my marriage) I am just stubborn about. 😩

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  2. This was a great read.. As I embark on this new journey.. And being set in your own ways.. I learning daily “I ” must die so “Love”can live.. Everything doesn’t work for everybody… Good Stuff… I started my Kiss My Miss GoodBye July 21.. Just had my last single Christmas in Vegas.. and looking forward to becoming a better me

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    1. Welcome to the Mrs club and making the conscience decision to “Kiss Your Miss Goodbye”. People think it’s about a name change, but it’s really about you growing, adjusting and transforming. I’m so excited for you and excited to be part of your journey 💋

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