I’ve been told “if you don’t have anything nice to say, don’t say anything at all”. Please don’t take me not writing for almost 2 weeks as a vow of silence. Although I honestly could take one.
l feel like I’ve been taking L’s. Just eating them mugs for breakfast. I know it’s not true because any moment I don’t react out of emotion, a little less proud and crucify my petty flesh, it’s a win for us.
Lately it’s been hard. A lot of “little hurdles” I constantly find myself having to get over. Having to be a big, not the bigger person, but a big person in emotionally sizing situations for what they really are. We’ve encountered challenges recently where I felt robbed of the opportunity to not be okay, to be angry or to have my space. Especially in the situations that were not my fault and I had every right to not be. I knew how I felt and the challenge being faced were truly insignificant in the grand scheme of everything. Yet in those moments they were significant to me.
This has to be the part of marriage I strongly dislike the most. The level of maturity you have to choose to walk in daily. Maturity is not second nature for me, and I’m honest to admit that. I often feel like I’m playing an infinite game of mortal combat and with every battle I have the option to select who I want to be.
Player 1: Holy Spirit
Player 2: Petty Betty
*I can always guarantee who wins by who I choose. It’s either ME or US (my marriage).
Although I’ve been really intentional in choosing Us, I’ve grown enough to understand that every right decision doesn’t feel like a victory. Sometimes making the right decision has made me more frustrated than satisfied. I’m sorry, but I’m not always leaping for joy in letting things go that I want to hold on to for just a little longer. Yes, I know. I have a lot of dying to do. And I am.
Through it all I’m so relieved to know that even though I am married, I am always a believer first. And the same God that consoled me in my miss is here to console me in my Mrs. Even in the wins that can feel a lot like a loss. Thank God these L’s are only lessons.