Kissing My Miss Goodbye (Again)

I know I stopped with no explanation. The truth is I started to dislike being married. I found myself becoming bitter. And bitterness wasn’t a place I felt comfortable writing from.

Regardless to what happens in my marriage. I am an advocate for relationships in every capacity. The purpose of the blog is to share my unconventional experiences and inspire conversations that are often masked in the sectors of blackness + Christianity + Women + Relationships + Marriage.

Kissing My Miss Goodbye is a place of transparency, reflection, inspiration and hope. A few tears for seasoning, but lots of laughter for healing.

I am no pro at this marriage thing. However I am here to champion it to the best of my ability.

It has been a minute, so let me reintroduce myself. My name is Tyaira Hayden Miles and dying to your flesh is a b*tch.

 

 

 

 

 

 

TRUST ME. (ENOUGH TO SABOTAGE IT).

To trust is new for me.

The only person I ever really trusted was Jesus. And even then ya girl struggled. Now if I had trouble trusting someone who is ultimately perfect, humans did not stand a chance, including Rico.

Recently we’ve experience an incident that brought distrust into our relationship. While Rico began to take the necessary steps to restore what was broken, I on the other hand was shocked for the first time in our marriage to not be the reason things were off. In celebration I consciously created altercations just to throw the incident back in his face. I know! Pray for me. I truly believed that because he was the one that broke our trust, he was solely responsible for repairing it.

But of course, my victory was short-lived.

I stumbled across a devotion that was about … (you guessed it), TRUST. Although the devotion spoke to trusting God to be your strength for the day, somehow Holy Spirit managed to flip that thing and reverse it and show me myself.

Trust has two components: the one trusting and the one that is being trusted. Both equally have a part to play. Its similar to the “Test of Trust” you complete in workshops that magically makes your trust issues vanish by falling into the arms of a stranger, or worse your co-worker. The person falling is expecting the person behind to catch them. And the person catching, is excepting the person falling to fall backwards. NOW! What if the person positioned to fall backwards decides to fall forward? The person who was designated to catch, are they now untrustworthy? Can the person who was designated to fall really say they have trust issues?

Trust-Fall

I couldn’t help but to identify as the person deciding to fall forward. Was I the reason why my relationship was slow in “bouncing back”? Nope, we were both responsible. EVEN in Rico’s attempt to do the right thing.

Like with the test of trust, expectations were set and we had none. I knew I couldn’t trust him with everything (it was too much too soon), but if we wanted our marriage to thrive I had to trust him with something, and he with I.  It started with discussing what we wanted to trust the other person with. We made a pact to daily text one another “requests to trust” as we began to take the proper steps towards rebuilding trust in our marriage.

Examples: I want you to trust me with your insecurities | I want you to trust that I will actually replace the tissue roll and not place the new one on top of the toilet | Trust that I will put a smile on your face today | I want you to trust that I won’t utilize our joint account for my impulsive target-sprees

Discussing what we desired to be trusted with allowed us to set proper expectations and more importantly, hold one another accountable.

I was trusting him to not let me down, and in return he was trusting me not to sabotage his opportunity to show me he wouldn’t.

Sincerely,

Kissing My [distrust] Goodbye!

 

 

 

GETTING TO KNOW YOU!

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AN-N-N-N-D ACTION!

While most couples have the pleasure of learning their spouse prior to marriage, everything is NEW for us. I’ve learned to love and appreciate that with divorce not being an option, we are subjected to staying with one another flaws and all. Yep. That means I can let myself GO and Rico has to stay! Gym Who?

So I thought, why not put our knowledge to the test. We partnered with one of our favorite GIRL BOSS, Nazsare and decided to capture a photo-story of the game “How Well Do You Know Your Spouse”. And what better time do it, then for the day of LA-UHH-VE!

 

QUESTION #1: TYAIRA’S WORST HABIT IS?img_1973.JPG

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Hey this was singular question and we still managed to make it plural. And I truly can’t help it! My body physically CAN NOT change the toilet paper. I will leave the empty roll on the dispenser and have the fresh one on top of the toilet.

 

QUESTION #2: RICO’S IDEAL MEAL IS?img_1983.JPG

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You can barbecue it, boil it, broil it, bake it, saute it. There’s uh, shrimp-kabobs, shrimp creole, shrimp gumbo. Pan fried, deep fried, stir-fried. There’s pineapple shrimp, lemon shrimp, coconut shrimp, pepper shrimp, shrimp soup, shrimp stew, shrimp salad, shrimp and potatoes, shrimp burger, shrimp sandwich.

 

QUESTION #3: FIRST KISS?img_1994.JPG

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I will never forget it. We were at the Cinema Grill watching the Vikings play the Eagles. I told him if the Vikings lost I would give him a kiss. As much as he loves the Vikings, I knew he wanted that kiss more. And he got it. He’s the reason they lost!

 

QUESTION #4: IF RICO HAD $5 LEFT TO SPEND, WHAT WOULD HE DO?img_2021.JPG

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Dollar Tree’s new logo! Rico is a sucker for the Dollar Store. There is a 75-year-old man trapped in him and he always seems to appear at the Dollar Tree. SMH. But if you REALLY knew Rico, he would save it!

 

QUESTION #5: AN IDEAL FRIDAY NIGHT FOR TYAIRA IS?img_2021.JPG

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NETFLIX = CORNY SHOW/MUSICAL | SNACKS = POPCORN & SPARKLING WATER

 

QUESTION #6: WHO IS BETTER AT FINANCES?

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Me laughing on the outside, but dying on the inside because its FACTS

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

What an experience this has been? Getting to know you. Getting to know all about you. Getting to like you. Getting to hope you like me. Happy Valentine Day!img_2066.JPG

L’s .. THE BREAKFAST OF CHAMPIONS

I’ve been told “if you don’t have anything nice to say, don’t say anything at all”. Please don’t take me not writing for almost 2 weeks as a vow of silence. Although I honestly could take one.

l feel like I’ve been taking L’s. Just eating them mugs for breakfast. I know it’s not true because any moment I don’t react out of emotion, a little less proud and crucify my petty flesh, it’s a win for us.

Lately it’s been hard. A lot of “little hurdles” I constantly find myself having to get over. Having to be a big, not the bigger person, but a big person in emotionally sizing situations for what they really are. We’ve encountered challenges recently where I felt robbed of the opportunity to not be okay, to be angry or to have my space. Especially in the situations that were not my fault and I had every right to not be. I knew how I felt and the challenge being faced were truly insignificant in the grand scheme of everything. Yet in those moments they were significant to me.

This has to be the part of marriage I strongly dislike the most. The level of maturity you have to choose to walk in daily. Maturity is not second nature for me, and I’m honest to admit that. I often feel like I’m playing an infinite game of mortal combat and with every battle I have the option to select who I want to be.

Player 1: Holy Spirit

Player 2: Petty Betty

*I can always guarantee who wins by who I choose. It’s either ME or US (my marriage).

Although I’ve been really intentional in choosing Us, I’ve grown enough to understand that every right decision doesn’t feel like a victory. Sometimes making the right decision has made me more frustrated than satisfied. I’m sorry, but I’m not always leaping for joy in letting things go that I want to hold on to for just a little longer. Yes, I know. I have a lot of dying to do. And I am.

Through it all I’m so relieved to know that even though I am married, I am always a believer first. And the same God that consoled me in my miss is here to console me in my Mrs. Even in the wins that can feel a lot like a loss. Thank God these L’s are only lessons.

HONEY, I’VE WRECKED OUR HOME!

This morning during my prayer time, I said something that snatched both Jesus and I out of it. I said “Thank you Father I’m no longer a homewrecker”. Talk about a confession. First, let me make it very clear,  I HAVE NEVER STEPPED OUTSIDE OF MY MARRIAGE!  I am not a homewrecker according to Webster dictionary, but for some odd reason I knew 1547582700347exactly why I said it when I said it.

I’m guilty for going into marriage thinking it would naturally ooze romance, love, friendship, excitement and good times. I was uninformed that those things had nothing to do with marriage itself, but had everything to do with the individuals. If we, as people lacked, our marriage would. We controlled what we oozed.

As of late my marriage oozed, well more so reeked bitterness, disappointment and deadly silent treatments. Rico has been gracious enough as always to extend truce, my lack of maturity wouldn’t allow me. I was my homes own enemy.

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Real representation of Rico calling “truce”.
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OMG! WE ARE HAVING MARITAL ISSUES

Made ya click!

I knew before marrying Rico we would encounter our own unique versions of marital issues. What I didn’t know is that I would have to learn to differentiate what was an marital issue and just a “me” issue.

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Post-marital counseling has done an excellent job in making it crystal clear that ya girl has an abundance of them. In fact, selfishness is sitting real pretty at the top these days. And this is an issue (along with others) I have thrust upon my marriage as if its our flaw or our responsibility to fix.

The sad thing is that these are issues I’ve always been okay with. And now even though I may be okay with them still (sometimes I thoroughly enjoy not considering others), someone is at risk because of it.

So, the next time you are having a disagreement with someone, especially ya manz, I say govern yourself first. Give yourself time to not only analyze the disagreement, but analyze whats going on with you. If it is a “you” issue, humble yourself and admit it. Not just to Jesus, but your partner as well, which is no easy task.  And then begin to take the necessary steps to allow yourself time to gaaahhrroooww through it.

Growth isn’t some one stop shop, like “I came. I saw. I conquered”. No. You’re always coming, you’re always seeing and you will forever be conquering. The amazing thing about growing in marriage as an individual, is that you have someone who is there to be gracious with you through the process.

Today, I am still selfish. Just less selfish than what I was yesterday. My husband hooked me up by giving me examples of ways I display my selfishness and provided suggestions on how to show my considerations. One example, really small but good. Whenever I start the car, I would only turn my seat warmer on and not his. He expressed how much he disliked it  and didn’t understand why I wouldn’t just turn his on as well.

Guess what I do now?

DON’T TURN THE SEAT WARMERS ON AT ALL!

 

 

 

 

 

 

Unwavering Espresso

Coffee

What is a morning without coffee? Most days I can’t function without it…twice. I’m pretty sure I’m not human until the taste of espresso runs through my veins. Daily I witness the resurrection of the dead. Coffee is the miracles, signs and wonders we’ve been looking for.

Since I started my 4 AM workouts, stopping at my favorite Starbucks in Hipsterville, USA (Uptown, Minneapolis) quickly became an inconvenience. I had two options; I could either end my workouts early or accrue daily occurrences for my tardiness and eventually lose my job. I was unwilling to sacrifice Baby Serena (the name of my dream body) and my coins. So I opted for a new pusher.

Conveniently they were located inside my job and advertised they sold Starbucks product. How bad could it be?

Day 1 – Coffee-ish

I approached the register managing to show off all 42 — no wait 32, however many teeth I’m supposed to have, only to be greeted with silence. I clinched my pearls and my panties began to bunch. “Can I have almond milk chai latte with 2 shots of my espresso?” I patiently awaited him to say “Oh! You want it extra dirty?” that was the Starbucks way. Again, nothing. He stated my total. As he returned my card I noticed right away his hand-eye coordination was impaired because he completely missed my hand and dropped it on the counter instead.

My pearls have now broken and what was once briefs, turned cheeky. I was dumbfounded by his rudeness. I immediately put Don Miguel Ruiz “Four Agreements” into practice. Don’t take anything personally – he treats everyone like this. Don’t make assumptions – maybe this guy is having a bad day. Always do your best and be impeccable with your words – as I picked my card up “thank you”.

Finally my fix arrived. I grabbed the cup with both hands and naturally my shoulder met my ears as I inhaled an aroma that should have been pure perfection.

This was not the good stuff.

My eyes didn’t begin to roll in the back of my head and I didn’t turn into another person. I got a little hit, but not a HIT HIT. What could I do? After all, he had what I needed and I banked on this encounter daily.

Day 2 and Beyond

Every day was like the day before. Greeted with his muted RBF. Instead of providing what I ordered, I got what he wanted me to have. Most days I knocked on the doors of death as he decided when my drinks should contain dairy. Who cares that I asked for non-dairy or that I’m highly allergic? And whenever I complained “I guess I can start completely over” he would say, as if I was inconveniencing him.

This man was undefeated.

No one could break him. He didn’t care who you were, his rudeness had no respect of persons. His position never changed, not even on Fridays. While many reverted to other forms of caffeine as their new defibrillator. I looked forward to seeing him.

I was a fan.

Eventually, it was no longer about the coffee. This antagonist was mesmerizing. I thought I caught a smile once, I’m relieved it wasn’t. It probably would have pained his muscles to actually smile. I was betting on him to go all the way. In my world where everything seemed so flighty, he was consistent.

In my weird-psychological-twisted admiration, I questioned if I had the ability to follow suite. Could I have one disposition? Especially being someone who is often a prisoner to their emotions. I definitely didn’t want be angry like him, I personally knew the energy it required. Maybe I’ll be unwavering. The type of unwavering where you are so fixated on what you know, it’s impossible to be shaken, to be moved. The essence of who he was, I was jealous I lacked. His consistency.

As espresso often aids in my ability to adult for the day, this encounter helped me recognize the other fixes I’m dependent on. They can easily be exposed as excuses, emotions and current circumstances. They have become my personal aid in how I choose to endure my day and how I treat people. It’s crazy how I’ve selected to be subject to vain imaginations, when freedom is there and always will be there eagerly awaiting to be selected.

How dope would it be to be so steadfast in what you believe, that people check in frequently due to their disbelief to see if you have broken ONLY to find out that you haven’t? Our disposition in life is always a choice. Which one will you choose today?